Do you fight a recurring battle that you just cannot seem to win? I do. Feelings of anger, resentment and bitterness from a failed marriage whisper from the depths of my soul that I am unworthy, soiled, and undeserving. Scars from my parents’ bitter arguments or long silences left me fearful of marriage. However, as I watched my friends marry and begin families, I felt lost and lonely. CLANG, clang, clang...You are a failure. Clang, clang, clang…you will never find anyone to love you. Clang, clang, clang…purse watcher, bridesmaid, outsider, you will never be loved and cherished. You. Will. Always. Be. Alone. Words from my biological clock fed my fears and longing for someone to complete me. An empty and bruised heart blocked the voice of God telling me to wait on his plan.
Fervent prayer failed to ease my emptiness as years passed, and my dream grew dimmer. Encouraging comments from my friends betrayed their thoughts. They agreed with my deceiver. I would be forever alone. I felt cold and betrayed; like Sarah. God promised a plan for me, but I missed something, perhaps a signal or misread sign. Convincing myself that a long-standing friendship was the chosen one, I celebrated, sensing it was finally my turn! My friend of many years and I married and began creating the world’s idea of perfection.
But life was not perfect: far from it. Almost immediately, disappointment set in. Comparing our relationship to the idyllic lives of my friends only highlighted flaws. It was comfortable, but no butterflies. Racing home or pining for him when separated never entered my mind, but we laughed easily and often.
A two-day business trip revealed a sad truth. He had not crossed my mind. Sadly, I accepted this was not my great love, but instead a good friend. Like Sarah, I had doubted God’s plan and taken matters into my own hands, acting on doubter’s faith. I was helping God along with His plan for my life. Resisting voices of reason trying to dissuade me from marrying my friend, I chose to follow my own path. My husband was my Hagar. Through no fault of his, he became the unwitting player in my battle to control God’s will for my life. As years passed, seeds of bitterness in our marriage grew. My husband could not satisfy the deepest desires of my heart and my disappointment festered. Not understanding my withdrawal, my husband responded with anger. His hurt and depression led to drug addiction and a series of affairs that ultimately ended of our marriage.
Convinced I was undeserving of God’s blessing of a sacred marriage, I resolved to focus on my precious children without the benefit of a soul mate. Genesis 18:1-18 reveals God’s promise to Sarah that she would be the mother of nations, but she had doubting faith. She saw God’s plan through human limitations, rather than His limitless power. She “helped” God fulfill her purpose, and in doing so hurt many others. Like Sarah, in my impatience I chose to help God, leading to immeasurable blessings with consequences.
The ray of hope in this and every situation is that God is faithful to His promises. He gave Sarah Isaac and He gave me my precious love. Today I bask in a peaceful, loving, exciting, and fulfilling marriage. His smile melts my heart and his eyes make my pulse race. I rush home to his embrace and ache when we are apart; yet I do not ask him to fill my soul’s needs. I have my God for that. I am a redeemed and loved child of God (1 John 3:1.) I still struggle with doubter’s faith, and often think of Sarah and Hagar. Sarah’s emotions as she watched her husband with Hagar and their son. Hagar’s feelings toward the mistress who sent her husband to her bed and then sent her and her son into the desert to die. I wonder about Ishmael, an innocent child born into conflict, despised because of doubting faith. The consequences of actions born of doubting faith are often painful, but our loving Father uses them for ultimate good. If you are struggling with mistakes from the past, know that God was there, He understands, and longs to help you. His plan is alive and the players the same, He just needs your believer’s faith to make it happen!
Father, please help me to have believer’s faith. Help me Lord to wait for your will. Temper my impatient desire to manipulate circumstances to match my idea of your plan. Help me to remember the mistakes of sweet Sarah, the pain suffered by Hagar, and the ultimate fulfillment of your Will through Isaac. In your precious Heavenly Name. Amen.
Fervent prayer failed to ease my emptiness as years passed, and my dream grew dimmer. Encouraging comments from my friends betrayed their thoughts. They agreed with my deceiver. I would be forever alone. I felt cold and betrayed; like Sarah. God promised a plan for me, but I missed something, perhaps a signal or misread sign. Convincing myself that a long-standing friendship was the chosen one, I celebrated, sensing it was finally my turn! My friend of many years and I married and began creating the world’s idea of perfection.
But life was not perfect: far from it. Almost immediately, disappointment set in. Comparing our relationship to the idyllic lives of my friends only highlighted flaws. It was comfortable, but no butterflies. Racing home or pining for him when separated never entered my mind, but we laughed easily and often.
A two-day business trip revealed a sad truth. He had not crossed my mind. Sadly, I accepted this was not my great love, but instead a good friend. Like Sarah, I had doubted God’s plan and taken matters into my own hands, acting on doubter’s faith. I was helping God along with His plan for my life. Resisting voices of reason trying to dissuade me from marrying my friend, I chose to follow my own path. My husband was my Hagar. Through no fault of his, he became the unwitting player in my battle to control God’s will for my life. As years passed, seeds of bitterness in our marriage grew. My husband could not satisfy the deepest desires of my heart and my disappointment festered. Not understanding my withdrawal, my husband responded with anger. His hurt and depression led to drug addiction and a series of affairs that ultimately ended of our marriage.
Convinced I was undeserving of God’s blessing of a sacred marriage, I resolved to focus on my precious children without the benefit of a soul mate. Genesis 18:1-18 reveals God’s promise to Sarah that she would be the mother of nations, but she had doubting faith. She saw God’s plan through human limitations, rather than His limitless power. She “helped” God fulfill her purpose, and in doing so hurt many others. Like Sarah, in my impatience I chose to help God, leading to immeasurable blessings with consequences.
The ray of hope in this and every situation is that God is faithful to His promises. He gave Sarah Isaac and He gave me my precious love. Today I bask in a peaceful, loving, exciting, and fulfilling marriage. His smile melts my heart and his eyes make my pulse race. I rush home to his embrace and ache when we are apart; yet I do not ask him to fill my soul’s needs. I have my God for that. I am a redeemed and loved child of God (1 John 3:1.) I still struggle with doubter’s faith, and often think of Sarah and Hagar. Sarah’s emotions as she watched her husband with Hagar and their son. Hagar’s feelings toward the mistress who sent her husband to her bed and then sent her and her son into the desert to die. I wonder about Ishmael, an innocent child born into conflict, despised because of doubting faith. The consequences of actions born of doubting faith are often painful, but our loving Father uses them for ultimate good. If you are struggling with mistakes from the past, know that God was there, He understands, and longs to help you. His plan is alive and the players the same, He just needs your believer’s faith to make it happen!
Father, please help me to have believer’s faith. Help me Lord to wait for your will. Temper my impatient desire to manipulate circumstances to match my idea of your plan. Help me to remember the mistakes of sweet Sarah, the pain suffered by Hagar, and the ultimate fulfillment of your Will through Isaac. In your precious Heavenly Name. Amen.